I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
