Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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