A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
