His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Randomize
