I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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