last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
