So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
