Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
