That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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