6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
