Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
