R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
