fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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