I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
