Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
