sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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