i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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