Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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