"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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