My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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