i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
