i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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