can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
