I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
