I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
