I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Four minutes until I can fart!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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