we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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