I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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