So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
