low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
