Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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