For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
