The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
