Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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