Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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