It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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