Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
