Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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