so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
