i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
