so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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