Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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