Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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