i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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