Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
