it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
