i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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