so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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