i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
