why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
