What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
