I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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