he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
