wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
