I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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