Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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